SUCCESS AND MARRIAGE: WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOTH?

I’m thinking back to when I was in my early 20s and knew that I had major goals in life. One was to be successful. Another was to become a wife to an amazing man. As someone who loves romance and all things love, I knew I wanted the same in my life. I wanted someone who I can be completely free with. A man who would know me and understand me without having to hide my true self — flaws and all. I have so many imperfections and I have always prayed to God that whosoever He chose to be my husband would be so genuinely and authentically in love with me and I with him. I would agree and say that a woman does have to prep and nurture herself to become a wife. 

As young girls, we are taught at a young age that we should aspire to be married. I’m sure you’ve heard Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s poem that was featured in the Beyonce song “Flawless”. I’ve posted an excerpt below. Especially in an African culture, girls are brought up and trained to become housewives. We are taught to be gentle. Polite. We are taught to cook and to clean. We are also taught that the man is the head of the household. I do not disagree with this. 

What I do disagree with is the notion that young girls cannot be successful AND aspire to be wives. I am a believer that a girl can do both at great success. 

I am that girl. 

I am naturally ambitious. I seek to learn more about the topics that intrigue me. I search for knowledge in any area that I can find it — whether it be diving into books, talking to those who have more wisdom than me, or being exposed to different people who have different stories to tell. It is all a part of the building blocks I have built and continue to build for myself. Now, the same way that I love to seek knowledge and develop myself is the exact same way that I seek guidance on how to be the best wife (and mother) that I can possibly be. Things take time to grow and by nurturing a plant, you will get growth from the time and care that was put into it. 

I hear a lot of women say that they are choosing either their careers or that they want to become SAHMs (stay at home moms). Is there not an in-between? Can a woman not be successful at work and present at home?

I aim to be this woman. Growing up, marriage and success were hand in hand. I would be successful on my own, but I know the qualities that my husband brings to the table. He takes the lead in our union and we see each other as equal. One is not better than the other. We come together and plan our futures and the future of our children. The emphasis here is to make sure the man you marry is one that will encourage you and push you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Forget all the advice from our elders that pushed us towards marriage alone — that’s not the key to a successful marriage. If you’re holding yourself back just to become a housewife, you will wake up one day in your married life and feel as if life as cheated you. Why cater everything you have to your husband or your future children, when you don’t take care of your inner self? That’s a recipe to get burnt out quickly.